Sunday, February 27, 2011

Who Are You and How Did You Get Here?

Ladies, we've all had that pivotal moment in our lives that caused us to take a look at our significant other and ask ourselves, "who are you and how did you get here?" In that very next moment, there is nothing but silence, except for the sound of a gong you can't see, slowly chiming in your head. Self evaluation kicks in and we are forced to wonder what we were going through the moment we met the person.

As a teenager, I was boy crazy. There was something lacking in my family life that caused me to drift from one crush to another every time the wind blew. I fell in and out of love so many times, it's a wonder I didn't get whiplash somewhere along the line. Boys were a mystery to me because my mother was emotionally unprepared to teach her daughters about the birds and the bees. Because I wasn't taught the rules of "the chase", I became the aggressor when trying to find someone to love. Boy, if only I had learned early on how to let a man chase me, I wouldn't have experienced as much heartache as I have.

Why do so many women settle with a man that doesn't meet all of their qualifications? This may be picky but so what? Notice how men NEVER compromise on what it is they want in a woman? If "John" decides he wants a slender, attractive, smart, goal oriented woman who knows what she wants out of life, he won't compromise on that. If he were to meet a woman who met all those qualifications EXCEPT for one, chances are he won't date her. Why? He has standards. Women should always make sure a man meets all of her standards when choosing a mate. I understand some of us have been waiting for years for Mr. Perfect to come along, but let's face reality, the pickings are getting slimmer and slimmer.

Even though the pickings are getting slim and those biological clocks are ticking so loud they'd wake the dead, that is still no excuse to settle. If we trust God at His word and have faith that He has created someone special just for us, time shouldn't even be a factor. What happens when we settle for less than we want or less than we deserve? It's simple. Disappointment. If you want a man that is God fearing, hardworking, romantic, monogamous, and great with kids, stick with that, because the minute he falls short of one or more, his goose should be cooked. It's no good for a woman to have a romantic man that cheats on her. For what? So he can wine and dine her and the other woman? Trust me, it's never that serious.

If you are with someone and you ever have that moment where you have to look at that person and ask yourself, "now, what the hell was I thinking?" The chances are very good that you settled for less than you deserved. Ask yourself what made you settle for less. How is your self esteem? When you look in the mirror, do you love the person staring back at you? Were you afraid of being alone the rest of your life? Do you always have to have a man in your life to feel complete? Whatever your answer might be, understand those patterns that seem to surface every few months or every year in your relationship, won't end until you know your worth.

After having to ask myself what I was thinking, I realized I didn't love me. I always put this person and their needs before mine, I turned a blind eye to infidelity, and I accepted excuses for no presents on birthdays, anniversaries, or Valentine's Day for almost 10 years. I understand now that I settled. This person didn't really meet any requirements I had, but because he chased me and came along during a time I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone, I accepted him and all of his faults. In the beginning, I blamed him, but after years of being angry and disappointed, I realized the blame fell solely upon me. We have to understand that people only do what we allow them to do.

In closing, I plead with you to love yourself. If you're like me and didn't know where to even start, pray first. The Bible says that, "a woman's worth is far above rubies". Stare in the mirror and tell yourself how much you love you. Start putting yourself first. Start getting your hair and nails done regularly, spruce up your wardrobe, and talk to a professional. Do whatever it takes to fall in love with yourself. When we love a man more than we love ourselves, we lose our identities, and no man walking this Earth on two feet deserves that kind of power over us.  Regardless of what the world tells you, you are worthy and you deserve nothing but the best...I'll see you there.

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